i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
