I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
