I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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