Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
