Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just pynch a tree in the face
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize