I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just gift wrapped bread.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
