I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
