I skipped work to stalk him.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
