Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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