Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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