So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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