well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
