So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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