i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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