Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
