between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
