I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
