they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
