Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize