the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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