I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
