The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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