I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
