Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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