My first STD was from a foam party
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
