the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
