i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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