she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
