Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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