1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
