You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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