i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
