Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
