i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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