I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
