saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
