Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize