did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
