First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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