I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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