i don't like sucking hair
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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