We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize