dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Pooping to opera.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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