If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
