Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize