The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
