I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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