if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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