just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We need to get me chipped asap
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
