Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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