I bet he comes in French.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
love makes seman taste better
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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