highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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