I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
