Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
