how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Still dying that you shit outside
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
