Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize