PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
