you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
