Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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