hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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