This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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