rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
