Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
